The Dead Parrot Wizard Sketch
by Julia Fractal
Summary: “He is resting in peace! He has fallen beyond the Veil and left us forever. He’s kicked the bucket, dead as a doornail, gone to doggie heaven, given up the ghost, he is standing outside the Pearly Gates and making a pass at St. Peter as we speak! This wiz


Disclaimer: The "Dead Parrot Sketch" is the intellectual property of Monty Python and the BBC. All Harry Potter characters belong to JK Rowling, her various publishers and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Note: A transcript of Monty Python's "Dead Parrot Sketch" can be found here:

http/ My profound apologies to Monty Python, and all lovers of Sirius Black.

* * *

Customer: Enters shop, levitating the body of Sirius Black behind her.

Shopkeeper: "Hallo. What can I do for you?"

Customer: "I wish to register a complaint regarding the wizard I bought from your store half an hour ago."

Shopkeeper: looking slightly shifty "Ah yes, Mr. Sirius Black. Comes from a most noble and distinguished Pureblood lineage, and has great hair to boot. What's wrong with him?"

Customer: "He's dead."

Shopkeeper: "Oh no. I mean, nonono, he's not dead. He's um… taking a nap."

Customer: "Look here, I know a dead man when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

Shopkeeper: "No, he's just sleeping! Remarkable wizard, this one: handsome, emotionally complex, and virile as a stud. And just look at the lovely tresses…"

Customer: "Forget about the hair, he's --"

Shopkeeper: "But it's one of his best selling points. Long, black, luxuriantly flowing, and 100 fanon."

Customer: "Forget the hair! Not even Sirius Black would care about the state of his silky obsidian locks when he's bleeding demised!"

Shopkeeper: "But he was sitting up when you bought him."

Customer: "I took the liberty of examining him when I got home, and the only reason he could sit was because you'd stuck his bum to the display with an extra-sticky adhesion charm!"

Shopkeeper: "I um…had to. He'd have risen up and scampered off otherwise."

Customer: "Risen? You couldn't get a rise out of him if you paraded out Harry in his birthday suit, Snape on a leash, and Remus Lupin in a frilly French maid outfit singing 'Happy Days are Here Again'!"

Shopkeeper: "Well, he may be a tad tired out at the moment and sleeping very deeply…"

Customer: "He's already entered the eternal sleep! Look!"

Customer holds a mirror in front of Black's face, no breath fogs the glass. Hits Black's knee with a hammer, Black's leg does not move. Flicks Black on the forehead, he keels over, stiff as a board.

Shopkeeper: "He's just resting."

Customer: "He is resting in peace! He has fallen beyond the Veil and left us forever. He's kicked the bucket, dead as a doornail, gone to doggie heaven, given up the ghost, he is standing outside the Pearly Gates and making a pass at St. Peter as we speak! This wizard is absolutely, irrevocably, without a shadow of a doubt DECEASED!"

Shopkeeper: "Well, truth be told, all the Blacks are."

Customer: "He's no use to me dead."

Shopkeeper: "He still makes pretty eye-candy. You could use him as a lawn ornament, deck him with holly and twinkling lights at Christmas, or turn him into a ventriloquist's dummy!"

Customer: Crosses arms over chest and looks decidedly unimpressed

Shopkeeper: "Why'd you need him alive anyway?"

Customer: "Look, I'm a slasher. I want to see my men snogging, groping, and shagging each other senseless around the clock. A dead Black is simply no good!"

Shopkeeper: Opens mouth

Customer: "And before you mention it, necrophilia is really not my cup of tea."

Shopkeeper: Closes mouth

Shopkeeper: "I can offer you a replacement." Begins hefting a human-shaped bundle out of the dusty backroom

Customer: "Does he radiate bad-boy sex appeal in his youth, grow up to become a beguiling contradiction of arrogance and compassion, and endure twelve years of suffering without losing his ruggedly handsome good looks?"

Shopkeeper: "Erm… no." Drops the bundle with a loud thump

Customer: "I'm not leaving this store until I get a living Sirius Black!"

Shopkeeper: "But the author said --"

Customer: "I don't care! Give me a time-turner, a necromancer, a bloody miracle, I'll take anything that makes Sirius live again!"

Shopkeeper: "But JKR herself wrote that Black fell and… Oh wait, I have the perfect solution!" Hands customer a small sticker

Customer: A huge grin slowly spreads across her face. She slaps the sticker marked 'AU' on Black's forehead, and exits with a living, breathing Sirius in tow

Shopkeeper: "Thank you, come again!"

_The End_


End file.
